Back in my Tinder days, one of my taglines read: I’m pretty sure I was a rugged ass mountain man in a former life.

The point? I’m not the girliest chick. I love dresses and a full face of fun make-up, but I’d rather play in mud or learn to muscle-up than gossip and shop.

A few weeks ago, during a conversation about unstable behavior in relationships, my best friend paused, incredulous. “Oh my god… are we the only girls that aren’t like this? Are we just magical beasts of the dating realm? Why are so many girls like that? Are girls even like that? Eww, what? Gross.”

Reading through this Buzzfeed article made me wonder (again) how anyone (dudes are not exempt), dates people with this many insecurities. “Do these people actually exist?” Yes. The answer is yes. I have friends who date them, complain, and stay balls deep in misery anyway. This is not love, and it’s not healthy; please rework your definition and standards.

A relationship should be two kickass, high-fiving people on a team working toward All-Star Awesomeness together, not driving each other crazy with insecurities, jealousy, and petty games.

Maybe you’ve been fucked over; we all have. Shedding that skin and letting go of the fear is tough. Been there. But here’s the thing: If you don’t let it go, you create the same situations over and over. You’ll drive yourself crazy, you’ll attract the wrong types… seriously. Ever notice the more content and in love with life you are, the more great people you attract? No? Work on that, and get back to me. They flock like friggin pigeons to a freshly dropped pizza in the middle of a busy city sidewalk.

My point is: All these people worrying what their SO is up to every second they’re not texting back, and I’m over here wondering if I eat too much peanut butter (as I scoop a massively oversized blob onto my spoon, consuming in a very ice cream-like fashion. No regrets). 

How do you have all this extra energy to let insecurities destroy your sanity? Aren’t you exhausted? Don’t you irritate yourself? Fuck – I have one neurotic thought, and I’m over here like, “Bish if you don’t calm the fuck down right now…” So, here are some of the things people put up with in dating that I don’t get:

I don’t get psychotic, over-worried, controlling behavior stemming from insecurity. Guess what, bitches? (applicable to chicks and dicks): If you’re so worried about what your boyfriend is doing in the bathroom for 5 minutes (hint: he’s pooping), or who your girlfriend is texting (hint: girlfriends re: gossip), be single, and sort out your priorities. Get out of that relationship and give yourself a heapload of TLmotherfugginC. You need it.

But, what if they really are doing something shady? Cool (read: sarcasm). Figure out why you’re dating someone who treats you that way and make a decision to either stick it out (which means shut up about behavior you’re choosing to accept), or find someone who isn’t going to make you feel worthless and insignificant.

I don’t get passive aggressive shit. You do know this makes things worse AND fucks your communication all to Hell, right? Who wants to work through things with someone who says it’s fine when it’s clearly not, or who doesn’t just say, “Hey, my feelings are hurt because XYZ”? If you’re not ready to talk, that’s okay, but say that. “I need a few minutes to rein in my feels.” Or “I want to talk about this, but I need to collect my thoughts. Let’s talk in X time (hours to a day or two, max).

Confrontation doesn’t have to be scary, dramatic, or even result in a fight. And if it gets upsetting, take a lil walkie walk until you’ve cooled out. Whatever you do, stop shutting down the ability to talk to each other about uncomfortable things. That kills your relationship, hurts trust, and fucks with respect. Ain’t nobody like it when you lie right to their face. CUZ YOU UPSET DOE.

I don’t get jealousy games. Or games of any kind, really. Who has time for this? It sets the stage for paranoia, distrust, and it presents a shit-tastic precedent for how you treat each other. It poo’s all over respect. It hurts feelings. It causes drama. If you need that much attention, be single and whore yourself out to whoever looks your way, but if you’ve got someone loyal to you, this video says all it needs to about how to kick ass in ‘ships:

I don’t get going through your SO’s phone/social media/personal belongings. This is such a violation of trust. And some think that’s acceptable, even normal! Baffling. Here’s the Golden Rule of Dating: If you don’t trust who you’re with, paranoid, helicopter behavior is not going to change that. It’s unhealthy and pathetic. Please, go find your self-esteem. Besides, if someone is gonna fuck around, they’ll find a way to do it, whether you obsessively check their stuff or not.

I don’t get not making your SO feel like the hottest piece of ass all the time. WUT. WHY NOT?! Everybody loves to feel desired and adored like they’re the most majestical creature to ever grace your dating history. Hype your man up. Shamelessly ogle your girl. Whatever. Show some appreciation, people. Little bit goes a long way. Like, you could ride the train to Hogwarts on that kind of affection.

Ain’t nobody gonna stray when they feel like Desirable No. 1. Also, friggin take time to do cute shit. Always. Every day. Those little things create exponential happies because feeling acknowledged is grand. “Hey, it’s pretty marvelous that you choose to hang out with me every day, despite that one annoying thing I always do. Thx.” BOOM. Sex.

Don’t overcomplicate it. Build trust. Be considerate. Treat each other with respect. Check your insecurity with TSA and request they lose that luggage ASAP.

Squeeze a butt. Touch a boob. Be happy.

HBIC,

Bossey Boots