If you’ve ever eavesdropped female conversations during baseball or football games (you gotta), at some point, you’ll hear a remark about dat booty in dem pants doe. Because butts in sporting bottoms look mighty fine.

If you’re just joining the Bossey Boots party, I pretty much live at the gym in my free time. I love working out, and I’m a complete endorphin junkie. If you hang around the gym long enough, you notice all kinds of things about people, especially if you have interest in the body. And I’ve noticed a trend: dudes love to work the shit out of their glamour muscles.

Wait, what are glamour muscles? Thanks to a lifting session with the Bronze Trio, I learned: glamour muscles = pecs, biceps and abs. Nothing else. Bronze Trio coined the phrase as satirical commentary on all the jacked bros at the gym who walk around with little chicken legs, because they spend too many days of the week working upper body.

In defense, men are naturally stronger in their upper bodies compared to female counterparts. But fellas, we know y’all love a juicy squat-grown booty, or if you’re an extra lucky lady, naturally grown thanks to damn good genes. Look at how many songs are about the booty, how many rap videos feature fat asses (in the good way!), and you’ll get the idea: men love butt.

According to one of my closest male friends,”I’m about the booty because anyone can have one. Boobs are a genetic gamble. But anyone can squat. Sure, some booties are predestined to be thicker than others, but for the most part… booty cheeks can be shaped into a perky little bongo set.” (His exact words were goofier, but I can’t remember how he put it. I’m gonna get yelled at for that.)

But I think men forget that we like butts, too. Lots. A lot, a lot. It’s nice to have a good booty to squeeze (with consent! Consent, people! Gotta have it!). A perky butt is fun to poke, or slap, or generally do any kind of Touching of the Butt. Or a solid “good game champ” booty smack. Toned man-butts are so neat.

A good butt on a built guy is the best. So much so, that it became a running joke in my current relationship, resulting in the best #squad nickname: #TeamButtTouches. Man, how annoying is it when someone brags about how neat and fun and silly their relationship is? WAIT DON’T LEAVE COME BACK. There’s more butt stuff!

I’m sure by now, you’re wondering when we’re gonna talk about real “butt stuff.” Well… we’re not. This is not that kind of post. There are websites for that kind of thing (so, porn). But the bootyhole and the booty, while occupying the same general anatomical section of the bod, are very, very different things, my friend. Ask anyone who has had both types of booty attention, and they’ll agree. One of my best friends just shared a hilarious story about accidental poophole invasion, and I was rolling on her floor laughing. Not many outer booty stories are quite as hysterical as backdoor experimentation gone wrong.

If you’re not easily offended, and you have a pretty crass sense of humor, I recommend reading any of Tucker Max’s stuff, but especially this one, about the worst P in B experience I’ve ever read. I still have a hard time breathing through the laughter when I re-read it.

Anyway, I like big butts, and I cannot lie (you had to see that coming). So in honor of booties and female vajingos everywhere: dudes, your biceps are great, your abs are lovely, but we want more booty. Hop in those racks and get to squattin.

HBootyIC,

Bossey Boots