It’s that time of the year again… The time for… LISTS AND GIFs. Lists because I don’t feel like thinking about formatting and flow, and also because there’s a lot of festive shit I still just do not understand.
Bossey Boots’ Holiday WTF List
Elf on the Shelf
This creepy freakin’ doll apparently moves around your house at night by itself, and the whole purpose is to tell children that “it’s watching you, so behave.” Uhm, hi, hey, yeah, yoo-hoo? Does no one remember Chuckie? DOLLS ARE THE WORST PLEASE JUST NO.
Starbucks Holiday Cup Drama
It’s a fryging (Australian accent) coffee cup. Go sit in a snowbank and cool off. Find a hobby. Play with your kids. Get a dog. Go caroling. Literally anything else. I know this happened a year ago, but I still just can’t wrap my mind around the marshmallow meltdown people had over this.
Not Digging Mariah’s All I Want for Christmas is You
Did your soul freeze when the temps dropped? It’s fun. It’s happy. If you turn the music up really loud, you can pretend that you’re as vocally gifted as Mariah herself because you’re already on the holiday delusional train with the idea that the gifts you’re giving are actually great. I’ll make one concession: If you have to listen to radio at work, you get a pass because radio ruins all.
Flavored Candy Canes
If they aren’t cinnamon or mint, just don’t. What the real deal is with the chocolate ones? THEY’RE THE WORST. They taste like reindeer poo and what I imagine Scrooge’s anti-holiday spirit feels like.
Ahhh, the herps of the holiday decoration world. It gets everywhere. It looks like someone looked at garland and decided, “No, we need this in smaller format; let’s run it through a pasta maker, and then sprinkle that shit everywhere.” If you have cats (um, why), they’ll DEFINITELY fuck up your tree (as if they weren’t going to already).
This is the horse drool-slathered salt lick of the meat world. Just a bunch of no. The Grinch can steal my ham. All of it.
Baby It’s Cold Outside drama
This was also a whole melodrama last year. And to that I simply say, “Shhhhh.” Here’s what Interpretation of Lit in college taught me: If you think about anything enough, you can come up with almost any answer that makes (some) sense. Maybe they’re in a relationship; you don’t know. A big difference between “creepy” and “sweet” seems to be whether you’re mutually feelin’ all up on whoever is on the other side of those interactions.
I made these as a kid, and while theoretically it’s a grand idea, does anyone ever actually make them? Have you ever heard someone say, “Oh yeah, these were my cookie-in-a-jar cookies. DYE-LUCIOUS.”
This is one that mindflips me every single year. I somehow still think that reindeer aren’t actually a real creature. Apparently their association with Santa gets me all turned around. Oh yeah. Santa? Not real. OR IS HE?!
This is the quicksand of the holiday season. As a kid, quicksand was in every movie, cartoon, story, etc. I grew up preparing to encounter it, but never actually did. Movies, shows, holiday stories all make a big deal out of having The ‘Nog at parties, but I’m 26 and have not seen it at one single Christmas event. Probably because it’s nutmeg-spiced glog that will demolish your digestive faculties.
Coca-Cola Polar Bears
Where the fuck did all the cute Coca Cola polar bear commercials go? (I’ll admit they may still be running, but being that I rarely watch cable, I feel like they’re gone.) Did global warming take those, too? FIRST THE GUMDROPS, AND NOW THE CUTE LITTLE POLAR BEARS?! CURSE YOU LORD FARQUAAD.
How anyone doesn’t like A Christmas Story.
What is wrong with you?! SCUT FARKUS! Any part that has Randy in it. Any one of the million and a half quoteable lines. Pick something. But if you don’t like this movie, your Holiday Humor Regulometer is broken, and you need to go to the North Pole to have that fixed. Ask for Hermey the Elf. I know he was a dentist in Rudolph, but he probably knows somebody who knows somebody who knows somethin’ bout…
Last Minute Gift Getting
Why I still wait to the last minute to buy presents and somehow expect it to turn out better than it has the past 5 years is beyond me. I just had this conversation with my parents. “Remember how three weeks ago I said I wasn’t gonna do that this year? Welp… I’m doing that this year!” Procrastination has always been a full-fledged skill. At this point, it would likely qualify as a disease.
Black Friday Shopping
I don’t get the appeal. I received some “insider trading” info from someone who worked at Target. Apparently, they mark up the prices leading into BF, so you think you’re getting better deals. But, if you’re the kind of person who gets off on beating other people to the newest thing, by all means, have at. Imma stay at home and have second Thanksgiving dinner.
My Aunt’s Ridiculously Delicious Sugar Cookies
I still can’t figure out exactly what it is, but I have never had a sugar cookie that tastes better than the ones my aunt sets out at Christmas Eve shenanigans. I don’t know what she puts in those bad boys, but they’re perfect. Probably the tears of elves and the fairydust of the sugar plum bitch.
Happy Holidays, people. Enjoy your weird traditions and marveling in the things I really don’t get. Eat some cookies. Avoid ham. Be merry.