Engineering the Alpha (Female)

I started a little project. A body project… designed for the male body. Yeah. My friends thought it was nuts, too. And that was before they heard the details.

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My friends at this point, because they think I’m batshit.

It’s hardly secret that I’m enthralled by how fucking neat the body is. I study it in my spare time, from many approaches. I’m trying and testing and adjusting and tweaking as needed. I’m in the off-season for Spartan, so the best way to keep from overtraining is to submerge myself in an intense restructural program with clear guidelines.

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I feel this excited about new programs, new knowledge, new body stuff anything YAY.

So thanks to a Tinder match (LOL), I picked up a new book, and immediately, the “FUCK YES” light came on. Ironically, the structure, education, and guidance I hoped to find were in this book written for the male body. *shrugs shoulders* (I like to joke that I’m a former mountain man trapped in a female body, already anyway.) So, I figured, why not see how it works for the female yang?

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Because Cristina Yang, that’s why.

A lot of new protocol came with the program. I’d be utilizing intermittent fasting (terrifying). I’d be learning new lifts (intriguing). I’d be resetting my insulin sensitivity (exciting), and managing other hormones that should, in theory, make me stronger and more efficient at human-ing. Main goal: Teach my body how to use carbs (without bloating my face or belly, feeling sludgy, or triggering that ‘eat til ya can’t breathe’ part of my brain that led to me being 20 lbs heavier a few years back).

The tire around my waist.

Initial Concerns

  1. How the fuck am I gonna go 16 hours without eating? Sure, I’ll sleep for (hopefully) half of it, but… I’m Queen of Hanger. My stomach hurts when I’m hungry. Not casual grumbles; full on hurts, as though there’s a corset cinch constantly being over-pulled
  2. Giving up fruit. That’s my main homie. Carbs make me look all flubbery, but saying goodbye to the best healthy noms in my arsenal? Rough.
  3. Will I be fucking exhausted? I carb cycled for Halloween last year. My brain revolted by putting me in a state of shock that rendered me unable to understand my roommate when she was talking to me. On Day 1. So, yeah.
  4. Protein shakes. GOO. The only mix I’ve had makes me gag, so having to do that 4x a week with a new shake? Nervous.

I hopped right into the program, anyway, trying not to dwell, because LOL, did you see that paragraph? Fudge. Fudge with nuts.

Psychin’ myself up.

I expected the first few days to be misery, which makes for the most fun writing. Here’s what really happened in the first two weeks of the insulin reset:

  • clear-headed mornings, sans caffeine
  • no sight of the Hangry Monster
  • uber hydrated
  • learned difference between head/tummy hunger
  • veggies galore
  • dope skin
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How I felt when I realized fasting didn’t mean feeling like torture

I usually need a few cups of coffee to get me going. In a fasted state, I seem to have better self-made energy. I’m the worst about having to wait to eat because my stomach starts to hurt, and that’s what makes me bitch the fuck out. In the second week of the program, this became more of an issue during the final 2 hours of my fast, but I discovered a good way to pass the morning is to incorporate coffee, tea, and fizzy, flavored water.

Saw those obstacles and hopped right on over. BAM.

I learned to dislike rest days even more (LOL I hate taking days off) because that meant lower calorie intake. However, eating tons of healthy fats keeps me satisfied. No real physical cravings. Learning that most of those are mental, which is interesting. It’s not the actual foods I miss… but the way they make my brain light up. This is fascinating to me, and also sounds a lot like the brain of an addict. (Sugar is, in fact, addictive. Copious research can be found on the interwebs. Commence your Google.)

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When you realize your brain is an asshole that you can tell to go fuck itself because I’M THE BOSS NOW

Because veggies “don’t really count,” I ate a lot of them to fill me up. Lots of kale, in fact, and because you can have healthy fats, saute that crud up in a scootch of olive oil and spices, and it’s actually quite delightful.  Also lots of salsa with vegetables as scoops (peppers of all kinds work best). Low cal, high flavor.

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Me + veggies

I started creating my “Treat List” for Phase II. I’m allowed one Indulgence Day per week (because I don’t believe in “cheat days”), and boy, do I want me some cornbread and Java House Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins. Oh god. Drooling.

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How Treat Days are gonna feel

Now that I’ve got myself all worked up, I’m gonna chug some water and snooze away the first 8 hours of my 16-hour fast. Here’s to carbs in week 3, and TREAT YOSELF DAYS in Week 5.

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Having carbs back is great, but, uh, I’m ready for some treats


Bossey Boots



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